


Day 9: Lion Swap (Or Kaltenecker Becomes A Paladin)

by dagobletofiyah



Series: Platonic VLD Month 2017 [3]
Category: Voltron Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Gen, Platonic VLD Month 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 05:06:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12314334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dagobletofiyah/pseuds/dagobletofiyah
Summary: Kaltenecker longed for her glory days when she was able to galavant around the black market, bringing justice to all undercover shoppers. She felt called upon to be a defender of the universe, and she thought she could be pretty good at it.





	Day 9: Lion Swap (Or Kaltenecker Becomes A Paladin)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have no clue how this came out of my brain...read at your own risk. I didn't know what to write for today, so I just sort of *gestures vaguely*... I'm sorry.
> 
> I had the idea for this before the clip of Kaltenecker from S4 was released, but I think now it's only more relevant. I also went back and added a line about Allura and Coran wanting milkshakes ;)

Kaltenecker was feeling forgotten. She had been excited, at first, to finally meet some humans from earth. Her memories of earth from her calf-hood were faint. It was hard for her to distinguish between her own memories and the images she had absorbed from her time in the space mall. When the paladins had flown with her out of the space mall, she had gotten a small taste of what a life of adventure could hold. She knew the paladins flew lions through space. Kaltenecker could fly on her hover board. She didn't really see the difference. She had hoped she could play a role in Voltron. She could be the black-and-white-spotted paladin. But the paladins had different plans for her, apparently.

 

They, most especially Hunk, had been eager to taste some earth milk again, and to use it in cakes and the like, and Coran and Allura were set on getting a milkshake from her. Kaltenecker, for her part, was not content to live out her life simply as a source for nourishment. She had spent most of her life holed up in the space mall, which had gotten decidedly less interesting since its conversion from a black market. Kaltenecker longed for her glory days when she was able to galavant around the market, bringing justice to all undercover shoppers. She felt called upon to be a defender of the universe, and she thought she could be pretty good at it.

 

Kaltenecker was fed up with having to watch from the sidelines as the Paladins fought Zarkon. So she waited for an opportune moment to make a move and prove her capabilities as a paladin. There came a day when the paladins and Coran were all relaxing. They had finally lost Zarkon by hiding in an asteroid belt, and were enjoying the rare break from duty. They were all seated on the couches in the common room, playing those earth video games that had been Kaltenecker's ticket to the castle, and soon, to paladin-dom and glory. While they were distracted, Kaltenecker flew on her hover board down to the hangars where the lions were kept.

 

Down here, it was so quiet that Kaltenecker felt she could hear her own nervous heartbeats echoing off the walls. She silently hovered her way to an exit, steeling her nerves, trying to prepare herself for what she was going to do. She hovered there for a moment, in front of the door. She was as ready now as she would ever be. She had to do this to prove herself to the other paladins. She opened the door to the hanger and rushed out into space, ready to track down Zarkon, letting out a brazen moo as she went.

 

Once outside the castle, Kaltenecker had to pause to think about where to start looking for Zarkon. She had no idea where he was, but she thought he probably wasn't too far away, seeing as he had followed them into the asteroid belt. Cautiously, she rounded the asteroid behind which the castle was hidden.

 

It happened too fast for Kaltenecker to process. One minute, she had been scanning the asteroids around her for a sign of the Galra, and the next, laser beams were firing through space all around her, and she was surrounded by a whole armada of Galra ships. What was more, it sounded, judging from the blasting noises coming from behind the nearest asteroid, like they had found the castle. It was only now that Kaltenecker was surrounded with little hope of escape, that she realized she had not thought to bring any kind of weapon. Even if she had, she couldn't have worked one. In that moment, Kaltenecker found herself hoping, for the first time in her life, that people would just see her as a stupid, unthreatening cow.

 

Actually, come to think of it, the ships really weren't paying her much attention, instead moving past her toward the castle. Kaltenecker was relieved, but still hurt. She whipped around to follow their progress. Nobody paid her any heed as she began following the fleet of Galra ships to the site of the battle.

 

The other paladins had gotten their lions, but were unable to form Voltron as they were outnumbered by Galra ships. The castle, which was much larger than the lions, and was therefore unable to maneuver as well, was suffering heavy fire, and its particle barrier looked like it was on its last limbs. Kaltenecker looked on in horror as Pidge narrowly missed a fatal blow, saved only by a last minute maneuver by Lance. But then Kaltenecker became aware that Lance, who was still preoccupied with the Galra ship that had tried to stack Pidge, was leaving his back exposed, and another Galra fighter was taking the opportunity to aim its ion-canon at him.

 

Kaltenecker acted without thinking. She made a beeline towards Lance, time slowing down as she cursed her hover board for being so slow. The Galra fighter fired the canon just as Kaltenecker was able to move just in front of Lance to take the blow.

 

She let out a strangled moo as the beam hit her body. A moo which Lance heard from his lion. Turning around in surprise, Lance gasped.

 

"Kaltenecker? What the quiznac...?"

 

Just as Kaltenecker and hover board disintegrated under the ion-beam.

 

The Paladins and Coran aren't quite sure what to think when Lance tells them Kaltenecker saved him during the battle. At first, everyone thinks its another one of his bad, nonsensical jokes. But there's no denying Kaltenecker is gone for good, so eventually people accept it. Though no one, not even Lance, can explain why Kaltenecker was in space in the first place. You see, Kaltenecker can only speak in moos, which the Paladins cannot understand. So nobody knew that Kaltenecker died a hero, the one thing she had wanted most, only that she randomly showed up in space between Lance and a fatal shot.

**Author's Note:**

> Partway through writing this, I realized that a hover board probably wouldn't work in space, but this is a crack fic anyway, so...
> 
> I hope this was at least mildly entertaining. I had fun writing it ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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